and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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