He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
His nipple licking is glorious
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