i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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