Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
