I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
