dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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