when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
