Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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