sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
