Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
