She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
