guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
