Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
