I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
