What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
