It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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