Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
honey bunches of taint.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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