if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
