I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
