Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
