you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Randomize
