Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Small penises have feelings too.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
They have beer where we have blood.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
