girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
