Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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