Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
