you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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