i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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