I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The uberlube is also flammable
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
