I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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