physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
