I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I need a beard to bite.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
