oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
