I wish I could punch you in the face.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
