we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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