I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
