Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm just crazy horny about you
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
