Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
