I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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