there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
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