Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He better not be in your backpack
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
