a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
