I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Randomize
