Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
