I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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