Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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