So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
