Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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