TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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