Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
