Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
