I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
