Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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