oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
