if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
