what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
