What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
